the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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