when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
