Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Still dying that you shit outside
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
