He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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