I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
