I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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