My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
