so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
