When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
