Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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