Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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