his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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