my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize