I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
