Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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