Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
