I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
