id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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