Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
