Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
