my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
