I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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