Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
