Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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