the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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