dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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