there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
