I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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