i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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