I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
