He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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