Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
