Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
