I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Too much gin, very little bucket
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
