What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
