what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
