I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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