Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
