I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
