I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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