I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
