Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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