Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
