you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
