lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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