At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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