I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
