It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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