fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
