I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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