Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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