clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
