Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
