Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
