there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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